Attitude is Everything

I found this quote about attitude online and it really spoke to me.  I recently have had some dealings with some people who say they want to make healthy changes in their life.  When they are given solutions or have solutions it usually ends in "ya but", "I know, but". I remember saying that to people years ago and now I see I didn’t want the solution bad enough.  It's so defeating to have an excuse to stay the same, stay in the drama, stay in the sick thinking, the rescuing, the enabling, the addictions.  We can all come up with an excuse in order to do what is easy. 
Finally, I came to realized that I could just move forward and learn to remove the "but" and replace it with a "yes!"  My whole attitude and outlook changed.  I no longer felt defeated by outside events, other people, and anything else beyond my control. I was living in the solution and I still try to do that today. 

12 Things Happy People Do Differently by Stephen Covey

I found this list of 12 Things Happy People Do Differently.  It was written by Stephen Covey who is the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  He has a lot of very inspiring ideas packed into this list.  It touches on a lot of the spiritual principles of the 12 steps which I try to live out each day including: gratitude, kindness, commitment, forgiveness, and brotherly love.  It's another reminder for me to do my best each day and leave the rest for my Higher Power.  Enjoy! Bonnie J

Codependency – Detachment

Before we can begin to detach with love we need to understand what unhealthy attachments we are trying to discontinue.  We hear in Alanon and Naranon meetings to “detach from the addict with love”.  It is not about getting rid of the addict; we are the only problem we have.  Once we have a program of recovery we are able to love our family member or friend and realize they are sick people not bad people.  The disease of addiction is explained in further detail in another post by that name. 

The Basics - A “To Do” List For 12 Step Recovery

There are times, in all of our lives, when "life on life's terms" just seems to be too much. In recovery we arrange our lives so we are safe.  We don’t take chances with our serenity and our wellbeing because we work too hard in recovery.   It is always easier to find ourselves slipping and catch it then it is to start over again.  These are the suggestions that will lead to serenity and safety in recovery.

Character Defects - Victim Role/Martyr

“People who consider themselves victims of their circumstances will always remain victims, unless they develop a greater vision for their lives.”  Stedman Graham

I'm hoping to tackle different character defects in this blog as well as the steps, spiritual principles, traditions, concepts, and anything else recovery I feel the need to write about.  So here is my first: the role of victim a.k.a. the martyr.

Playing the role of victim is usually a role we pick up in childhood.  It is a role that many may think is determined by circumstance.  I would challenge those people to find someone in 12 step recovery who has overcome that role and found serenity.

Anonymity in 12 Step Fellowships

We hear the word anonymity in meetings during the readings and in discussion.  The 12th tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. In some other fellowships they have added readings that refer to anonymity as the anonymous person in fellowship; we are not our age, race, creed, colour, profession, etc. we are a first name and we belong as a member when we say we do.  I think it’s interesting when I looked up the definitions it stated: freedom from identification, lack of distinctiveness, state of being unnoticed (blending into a crowd), an unnamed person.  

Are you Immature or Mature?

This post contains information I received when I entered a residential program, just not sure which one.  I think most people in recovery will find that this applies to them when they come in and that through 12 step work they find themselves representing the Maturity List toward the bottom of the post.  Many recovering people look back on their lives and see how they were ruled by immaturity.  By applying the steps in recovery programs we can begin to “grow up”, even after many years of arrested development. 

Self-Talk

We always attract into our lives whatever we think about most, believe in most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly. – Shakti Gawain

The way we talk to ourselves will determine how we feel about ourselves, others and the world around us.  There are a lot of pluses to managing our self-talk: decreases anger, increases self-esteem, become more positive, creates inner peace and serenity, and many more.  What we tell ourselves seems to manifest in all areas of our lives.  When we change the self-talk then we begin to change our belief systems and our actions.  We can move in a positive direction in life and even learn to love ourselves.   My first sponsor started me on this journey of positivity with a quote by Wayne Dyer “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Self-Will

Self-will is something we surrender over and over again in recovery.  I have a habit of taking it back from time to time, sometimes daily, but to stay in recovery is to surrender my will to my Higher Power or God of my understanding.  Now this surrender doesn’t mean I become a doormat.  I can still make plans, pursue goals, and try to make changes to my world.  The surrender is of the destructive self-will; where I abuse my right to make choices and decisions, where my actions are self-motivated, and there is no conscious contact with my Higher Power. 

The Twelve Steps of How Not to Recover

The 12 steps below seem to have been around a while.   I have received this list by email and hardcopy throughout my recovery. Unfortunately, I have not found the author to give credit.  When I read through these 12 steps I find myself not just chuckling but also tensing almost cringing at the outline of my life before recovery. This tongue-in-cheek list is a stark reminder of where we can end up, or return to, without recovery.  

These are the steps we took, which are suggested as a Program of Misery:

Letting Go

Here is yet another post by an unknown author; not for lack of trying but this was something given to me by a friend in a 12 step fellowship…I could not resist posting it.  I should tattoo it on my arm!  I could write ten posts about the subject of letting go and it would not begin to reach the depth the author reached when s/he wrote the untitled article below.  

Sponsorship in 12 Step Fellowships

Sponsorship is the cornerstone of any 12 step fellowship.  There are usually pamphlets or books you can pick up at meetings on the subject. This post reviews some of my experience and ideas on sponsorship.  The relationship is important and promotes growth for both the sponsor and the sponsee.  This will be a relationship that will take time to grow, if we allow that.  Early recovery is a difficult time to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable with another person. It is imperative that we take the leap of faith and ask someone to sponsor us.  I was told not to compare my story with others but to keep an open mind and relate to others.  I can relate to my sponsor and because of that I feel she can understand me.  It is within this relationship that I can work on myself, be honest and open with my feelings.  What is shared is confidential so this person must be trustworthy.  The person must also be someone I’m willing to lovingly confront if we feel hurt, wronged, etc.  This is not a relationship to run away from when things get tough; that is when we dig in our heals and work it out.  By working out issues with a sponsor we grow the relationship. 

Step Work

In 12 step fellowships we follow the steps as a way of life; that is to say most of us put pen to paper and work on each step in order.  We do this with the guidance of a sponsor and once a portion of work is complete, we sit with our sponsor and share what we have found.  Some people continue to do steps 1-12 throughout their recovery using various step guides or fellowship literature.  Other people may do the steps through once and then continue 10, 11, and 12 as the maintenance steps for the remainder of their recovery.  Some people in recovery never do any written work and only attend meetings.  There are as many ways to do the steps as there are 12 step fellowships. 

Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency is a tricky thing to spot in ourselves.  I was talking with my mom this week and she said something that has really stuck with me:  “We [codependents] don’t have the outward signs like the addict does – it’s obvious to them; taking a pill, a drink, gambling, smoking, etc – but with me, how was I to know until I stumbled into my own recovery by trying to help my addict?”

I certainly will not be able to list all the signs and symptoms of codependency in this post but I think the categories are a good jumping off point.  The main categories:  Denial, Compliance, Low Self-Esteem, Control, and Avoidance. I’ve picked these because they were outlined this way to me at the Residential Family (Codependency) Program I attended.  These categories also apply to the addicted person; addicts just have the extra symptom of using. When I talk about relationships in this post I don’t mean just romantic ones but all types of relationships.  In my case I can have codependent relationships with my brother, my friend, my parents, co-worker, or someone I sponsor – that is why I love recovery, I am never recovered, I’m always within the process.

Acceptance

Acceptance is a spiritual principle that I have heard used in many groups I have been to for recovery, PTSD, and Pain.  I have struggled to find acceptance in all of these areas.  I also have experienced the deep serenity from finding acceptance in all of these areas of my life.  I have gratitude that I am able to share with others what I have learned on my journey.  Having that purpose in my life has allowed me to experience full acceptance of my past, leaving behind blame, shame, regret, resentments, and fear.  Acceptance is not condoning events or actions but it is letting them go in order to have peace; there is nothing I can do to change the past.  

Codependency

Codependency is a label that may be misinterpreted or discounted at face value.  In recovery, a codependent person is a friend or family of an addicted person, someone raised by a codependent and/or in a dysfunctional home where the underlying rules were “don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.” These core rules may be more obvious in some families but they can be found in most codependents’ family of origin. Codependent does not necessarily mean someone who is a wilting violet.  They come in all personality types; including both introverted and extroverted people from all socio-economic groups.

There are five core issues of the codependent: control, over-responsible (for family), distrust (of self and others), avoidance of feelings (belief feelings are bad or wrong), ignore own needs. 

The Disease of Addiction

The question of addiction being a disease has been put to rest in my eyes.  It is part of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which is the standard reference for criteria of mental disorders (dsm5.org).  This post is based on my experience learning through treatment facilities and 12 step meetings:  the disease of addiction is a progressive (sometimes fatal) disease that affects my life mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I really see it as an illness now, not as a moral deficiency.  I now realize this disease takes many forms and will be at work even when I am abstinent from substances.  There are many aspects of my disease which include but are not limited to my obsession and compulsion to use drugs when I am active in my addiction.  It is also my constant (obsession and compulsion) desire to seek happiness, contentment and good feelings from people, places and things outside myself.

There is no cure for the disease of addiction; however, the 12 steps have been working for thousands of addicts and codependents since they came about in the later part of the 1930’s.  These steps allow us to stay clean and/or abstain from addictive behaviours and provide a new way to live.  The steps are based on spiritual principles and it is those principles we use, in conjunction with our Higher Power, to help us heal.  We are not striving for perfection but for serenity.  We use the Serenity Prayer as a guide to begin with and expand through written work on each step and the application of the spiritual principles to help us live a healthy life. 

Recovery is a lifelong process by which we accept life on life's terms and apply the spiritual principles to our daily living.  We will never be perfect, so that isn't the goal, but we can create goodness, kindness, and beauty in this world.  The recovering addict will begin to bring others through the 12 steps once they have completed their steps and have a period of abstinence.  Each new person learns from another addict about the 12 steps and then passes it on - the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.  It is only through working with other addicts that we can maintain our recovery, we are never cured.  I think do a pretty good job of seeing the disease in other people and gently telling them about it. However, I have a lot of trouble seeing the disease in myself.  This is common for most addicts and it is why the program works through sponsorship.

We need sponsors to keep us from relapse, we may not go back to using but we will be restless, irritable and discontent.  Many would use the saying dry-drunk as a person who is caught up in their disease, not using, but also without awareness. I will touch on that further in a future post.

So again, this is my take on the disease of addiction; I will post something later this week to look at codependency, what are the symptoms, causes, beliefs, and solutions.  Bonnie J

Facing our Fear in Recovery

Prior to (even during) recovery fear is an ever present, dominating feeling which can become so powerful it rules our entire life.  Often we go through life unaware our thinking and decision making is clouded or even controlled by fear. One definition of fear is: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. The fear experienced in the addicted family is self-centred fear; a fear of self preservation and self-seeking. Some of the fear I have uncovered in recovery have been: fear of failure, rejection, being wrong or making a mistake, responsibility, using, the future, arguments, conflict, financial problems, nothing will change/everything will change, being alone, letting my family down, getting caught, relapse both in addiction and codependency…and infinitely more, I was full of fear, but I found a solution in the 12 steps.

Breaking the Cycle of Guilt and Shame

I guess to begin this topic I should define both guilt and shame as I’ve been taught in recovery.  Guilt is the awareness of doing the wrong thing. Shame is the feelings of disgrace, disappointment and regret.  We put shame on ourselves and or allow others to shame us.  When we are active in our addiction and codependency guilt and shame are two negative rulers of our world, standing side by side with fear and resentment.  I will save fear and resentment for another day. 

My take on Step 2

“We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Before delving into Step Two I make sure I have hit all the main points of Step One, it is not about working the steps perfectly, that will never happen, it is about doing the work to the best of my ability. Step One "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." has given me an understanding of the disease of addiction and how it is not just about the fix be it with a drug, drink, person, controlling behaviour, etc. It is always something outside me that I use to control my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I have become aware of denial, powerlessness, obsession/compulsion, how far reaching my unmanageability has become, reservations, and finally my fearless surrender. After all this work in Step One I still need to look at the spiritual principles at work in my life as an antidote to my unhealthy behaviour: acceptance, willingness, open-mindedness, honesty, and humility. Now that I have looked at all of the above, I am ready for Step Two.