Codependency – Detachment

Before we can begin to detach with love we need to understand what unhealthy attachments we are trying to discontinue.  We hear in Alanon and Naranon meetings to “detach from the addict with love”.  It is not about getting rid of the addict; we are the only problem we have.  Once we have a program of recovery we are able to love our family member or friend and realize they are sick people not bad people.  The disease of addiction is explained in further detail in another post by that name. 

Unhealthy attachment is one of the symptoms of codependency.  When we become over involved and entangled in another person’s life.  We worry about them and are preoccupied with their lives and problems.   We become obsessed with controlling this person especially where their addiction is concerned. We are caretakers, rescuers, and enablers; spending most of our time and energy on them. 

One solution we learn in recovery is detachment with love.  Detachment is a separation between us and the addict.  It is not doing for others what they can and need to do for themselves.  It is loving the person while allowing them to live their own life, have their own consequences, and figure out how to solve their own problems.  This is not being callous; it is turning our will and life over to our Higher Power and allowing them to do the same.  We cannot be the Higher Power of another person but we act as one when we intervene by paying a bill, reminding them to go to the doctor, or manipulating them to attend school or rehab.

We find a sponsor and work the steps.  The steps allow us an opportunity to explore our unhealthy detachment and find a way to detach with love.  In the first step we admit our unhealthy attachment and surrender.  Step two we look at how powerless we are over the addict and over people, places, and things.  We find hope for our hopeless situation. Step three we commit to a Higher Power of our own understanding and turn our will and life over to that Power.  Step four we honestly review the resentment, fear, guilt and shame that has been caused by out unhealthy attachment and any harms done to others.  Step five we truthfully share what we have written with our sponsor or clergy, etc.  Step six we willingly look at the defect of unhealthy attachment.  We acknowledge how we have harmed others with our judgement, caretaking, and manipulation; this clarity allows us to want our Higher Power remove all defects.  In step seven we humbly ask our Higher Power to remove our defects of character. In step eight we write and reflect on a list of people we have harmed with our codependency; those who we did not allow to live their live on life’s terms without our interference. In step nine we make amends to those people, as long as it will not cause harm to them, others, or yourself.  When we practice step ten on a daily basis we are being vigilant with our daily inventory as to not cause further harm to ourselves and others.   In step eleven we continuously seek the guidance of our Higher Power in all areas of our life for improvement.  We also ask for the power to carry out His will for us.  Finally in step twelve we are able to be over service to other codependents that have unhealthy attachments.  We can show them by example and lead them through the 12 steps for freedom from their active codependency.

Recovery is a process that will take a lifetime.  We are never cured so we need to practice our step eleven to seek God’s will for us.  The journey is one of up’s and down’s but it has always been better than it used to be.  I have heard the saying God never gives us more than we can handle.  I think God gives us more than we can handle so that we call on Him.  Bonnie J