Attitude is Everything

I found this quote about attitude online and it really spoke to me.  I recently have had some dealings with some people who say they want to make healthy changes in their life.  When they are given solutions or have solutions it usually ends in "ya but", "I know, but". I remember saying that to people years ago and now I see I didn’t want the solution bad enough.  It's so defeating to have an excuse to stay the same, stay in the drama, stay in the sick thinking, the rescuing, the enabling, the addictions.  We can all come up with an excuse in order to do what is easy. 
Finally, I came to realized that I could just move forward and learn to remove the "but" and replace it with a "yes!"  My whole attitude and outlook changed.  I no longer felt defeated by outside events, other people, and anything else beyond my control. I was living in the solution and I still try to do that today. 

12 Things Happy People Do Differently by Stephen Covey

I found this list of 12 Things Happy People Do Differently.  It was written by Stephen Covey who is the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  He has a lot of very inspiring ideas packed into this list.  It touches on a lot of the spiritual principles of the 12 steps which I try to live out each day including: gratitude, kindness, commitment, forgiveness, and brotherly love.  It's another reminder for me to do my best each day and leave the rest for my Higher Power.  Enjoy! Bonnie J

Feeling our Feelings

In recovery we are told to try not to stuff our feelings but try to acknowledge and release them.  Prior to recovery was unaware I had been either stuff my feelings or “tuning out” because I was overwhelmed by them.  We hear the solution “be with your feelings” and to “feel your feelings” and that is what this post explores.  I’ve learned a few strategies from those who came before me.  It is no longer just being with my feelings but about being able to understand, acknowledge, and release those feelings.

Codependency – Detachment

Before we can begin to detach with love we need to understand what unhealthy attachments we are trying to discontinue.  We hear in Alanon and Naranon meetings to “detach from the addict with love”.  It is not about getting rid of the addict; we are the only problem we have.  Once we have a program of recovery we are able to love our family member or friend and realize they are sick people not bad people.  The disease of addiction is explained in further detail in another post by that name. 

The Basics - A “To Do” List For 12 Step Recovery

There are times, in all of our lives, when "life on life's terms" just seems to be too much. In recovery we arrange our lives so we are safe.  We don’t take chances with our serenity and our wellbeing because we work too hard in recovery.   It is always easier to find ourselves slipping and catch it then it is to start over again.  These are the suggestions that will lead to serenity and safety in recovery.

Anonymity in 12 Step Fellowships

We hear the word anonymity in meetings during the readings and in discussion.  The 12th tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. In some other fellowships they have added readings that refer to anonymity as the anonymous person in fellowship; we are not our age, race, creed, colour, profession, etc. we are a first name and we belong as a member when we say we do.  I think it’s interesting when I looked up the definitions it stated: freedom from identification, lack of distinctiveness, state of being unnoticed (blending into a crowd), an unnamed person.  

Self-Talk

We always attract into our lives whatever we think about most, believe in most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly. – Shakti Gawain

The way we talk to ourselves will determine how we feel about ourselves, others and the world around us.  There are a lot of pluses to managing our self-talk: decreases anger, increases self-esteem, become more positive, creates inner peace and serenity, and many more.  What we tell ourselves seems to manifest in all areas of our lives.  When we change the self-talk then we begin to change our belief systems and our actions.  We can move in a positive direction in life and even learn to love ourselves.   My first sponsor started me on this journey of positivity with a quote by Wayne Dyer “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Self-Will

Self-will is something we surrender over and over again in recovery.  I have a habit of taking it back from time to time, sometimes daily, but to stay in recovery is to surrender my will to my Higher Power or God of my understanding.  Now this surrender doesn’t mean I become a doormat.  I can still make plans, pursue goals, and try to make changes to my world.  The surrender is of the destructive self-will; where I abuse my right to make choices and decisions, where my actions are self-motivated, and there is no conscious contact with my Higher Power. 

Mother Teresa's Perspective on Life

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway. 

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway

The good you do today, will often be forgotten; 
Do good anyway

Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa

The Disease of Addiction

The question of addiction being a disease has been put to rest in my eyes.  It is part of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which is the standard reference for criteria of mental disorders (dsm5.org).  This post is based on my experience learning through treatment facilities and 12 step meetings:  the disease of addiction is a progressive (sometimes fatal) disease that affects my life mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I really see it as an illness now, not as a moral deficiency.  I now realize this disease takes many forms and will be at work even when I am abstinent from substances.  There are many aspects of my disease which include but are not limited to my obsession and compulsion to use drugs when I am active in my addiction.  It is also my constant (obsession and compulsion) desire to seek happiness, contentment and good feelings from people, places and things outside myself.

There is no cure for the disease of addiction; however, the 12 steps have been working for thousands of addicts and codependents since they came about in the later part of the 1930’s.  These steps allow us to stay clean and/or abstain from addictive behaviours and provide a new way to live.  The steps are based on spiritual principles and it is those principles we use, in conjunction with our Higher Power, to help us heal.  We are not striving for perfection but for serenity.  We use the Serenity Prayer as a guide to begin with and expand through written work on each step and the application of the spiritual principles to help us live a healthy life. 

Recovery is a lifelong process by which we accept life on life's terms and apply the spiritual principles to our daily living.  We will never be perfect, so that isn't the goal, but we can create goodness, kindness, and beauty in this world.  The recovering addict will begin to bring others through the 12 steps once they have completed their steps and have a period of abstinence.  Each new person learns from another addict about the 12 steps and then passes it on - the therapeutic value of one addict helping another.  It is only through working with other addicts that we can maintain our recovery, we are never cured.  I think do a pretty good job of seeing the disease in other people and gently telling them about it. However, I have a lot of trouble seeing the disease in myself.  This is common for most addicts and it is why the program works through sponsorship.

We need sponsors to keep us from relapse, we may not go back to using but we will be restless, irritable and discontent.  Many would use the saying dry-drunk as a person who is caught up in their disease, not using, but also without awareness. I will touch on that further in a future post.

So again, this is my take on the disease of addiction; I will post something later this week to look at codependency, what are the symptoms, causes, beliefs, and solutions.  Bonnie J

Facing our Fear in Recovery

Prior to (even during) recovery fear is an ever present, dominating feeling which can become so powerful it rules our entire life.  Often we go through life unaware our thinking and decision making is clouded or even controlled by fear. One definition of fear is: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. The fear experienced in the addicted family is self-centred fear; a fear of self preservation and self-seeking. Some of the fear I have uncovered in recovery have been: fear of failure, rejection, being wrong or making a mistake, responsibility, using, the future, arguments, conflict, financial problems, nothing will change/everything will change, being alone, letting my family down, getting caught, relapse both in addiction and codependency…and infinitely more, I was full of fear, but I found a solution in the 12 steps.

Breaking the Cycle of Guilt and Shame

I guess to begin this topic I should define both guilt and shame as I’ve been taught in recovery.  Guilt is the awareness of doing the wrong thing. Shame is the feelings of disgrace, disappointment and regret.  We put shame on ourselves and or allow others to shame us.  When we are active in our addiction and codependency guilt and shame are two negative rulers of our world, standing side by side with fear and resentment.  I will save fear and resentment for another day. 

Serenity and Inner Peace

There is a lot of talk about Serenity and Inner Peace in 12 step fellowships.  We say the Serenity Prayer and it seems that inner peace is the goal of many who are on a journey of healing.  I figure if that is my goal then I would like to explore exactly what I’m working so hard to achieve.  There are many definitions and my guess is that Inner Peace would be a bit different for everyone.  This is my top 10 Signs of Inner Peace, it’s just a list and I know I can never have full serenity in my life but here are some ideas I desire:

My take on Step 2

“We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Before delving into Step Two I make sure I have hit all the main points of Step One, it is not about working the steps perfectly, that will never happen, it is about doing the work to the best of my ability. Step One "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." has given me an understanding of the disease of addiction and how it is not just about the fix be it with a drug, drink, person, controlling behaviour, etc. It is always something outside me that I use to control my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I have become aware of denial, powerlessness, obsession/compulsion, how far reaching my unmanageability has become, reservations, and finally my fearless surrender. After all this work in Step One I still need to look at the spiritual principles at work in my life as an antidote to my unhealthy behaviour: acceptance, willingness, open-mindedness, honesty, and humility. Now that I have looked at all of the above, I am ready for Step Two. 

The Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change;courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time;Enjoying one moment at a time;Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this lifeand supremely happy with HimForever in the next.

-Reinhold Niebuhr     

Many 12 step groups use the beginning of this prayer to open a meeting.  It is also the starting point of many important parts of recovery: spiritual contact, practicing the spiritual principles of serenity, acceptance, courage, faith, trust, willingness, wisdom, letting go, asking for help, living by God's will, and examining life through prayer and meditation.  I’m sure there are many more ideas people have about this prayer, please share them in the comments.
Over the next while I want to look at the ideas in the prayer as well as the spiritual principles and how they can be applied to our life.  Please feel free to comment on anything, I’d love to learn from you.