Codependency

Codependency is a label that may be misinterpreted or discounted at face value.  In recovery, a codependent person is a friend or family of an addicted person, someone raised by a codependent and/or in a dysfunctional home where the underlying rules were “don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.” These core rules may be more obvious in some families but they can be found in most codependents’ family of origin. Codependent does not necessarily mean someone who is a wilting violet.  They come in all personality types; including both introverted and extroverted people from all socio-economic groups.

There are five core issues of the codependent: control, over-responsible (for family), distrust (of self and others), avoidance of feelings (belief feelings are bad or wrong), ignore own needs. 

I have been taught that the three beliefs of the addicted family are don’t trust, don’t feel, and don’t talk.  These rule could be stated but usually they are the undercurrent of the family.  Secrets are kept from each other and from the outside world, we make it look perfect, so it’s perfect. 

Many codependents don’t seek help for themselves because they believe the addicted person has the problem.  Ask yourself why you picked that person and did you think you could "fix", "change", "love them well" or "help" them?  It sometimes isn’t until the addict seeks help that the codependent is left out or offered a program.  I know of people who wouldn’t go to the codependency program for themselves but once they were told it would help the addict they went.  It is difficult for codependents to ask for help because their “don’t trust” signals go off creating feelings of fear, anger, guilt, shame, confusion, etc.

There is help for someone who is codependent:  Al-Anon and Nar-Anon Family Groups have meetings around the world, Open* NA, AA, GA ,etc meetings, family programs offered at recovery homes or withdrawal management clinics, aftercare programs, online meetings and online speaker sites (xa-speakers.org).  I have seen the most success by using a combination of all of most of these, it has taken years to get to this place and the road of recovery is a lifetime process.  Joining a weekly run Al-anon meeting, attend meetings regularly, get a sponsor who has completed the Al-anon steps with a sponsor, call the sponsor regularly, listen and follow the suggestions of your sponsor, and most importantly work the steps with your sponsor.

If you are reading this and think you may be codependent, check out a meeting until you find one you like, go at least for 3 months in order to really understand what is happening, read the literature and get to know people and how they are working recovery.  It is always easy to stay at the sideline of recovery, go to a few meetings and discount it prior to thorough investigation.  Recovery is a gift but also involves work, we must be careful not to give up before the miracle happens.  Freedom from the bondage of self and a new way to live are just 2 of the rewards. 

I will end with some slogans from codependency recovery:

Three C's Alcoholism and Addiction: You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, and You can't CURE it!

Our 3 C's ~ You Can Control Yourself, You Can Change Yourself, You Can Cure Yourself!

* Open meetings will be listed with all meetings in the schedule.  You can check online meeting listings to ensure they are "open" before you go.  An open meeting is ment for people who think they may have a problem as well as friends and family.  A closed meeting is for people who are self-admitted in that fellowship.