I guess to begin this topic I should define both guilt and
shame as I’ve been taught in recovery.
Guilt is the awareness of doing the wrong thing. Shame is the feelings
of disgrace, disappointment and regret.
We put shame on ourselves and or allow others to shame us. When we are active in our addiction and
codependency guilt and shame are two negative rulers of our world, standing
side by side with fear and resentment. I
will save fear and resentment for another day.
Recovery is an amazing place to find peace from guilt and
shame. It took a lot of step work, prayer, aftercare
and time with my sponsor to deal with the guilt I was carrying. It may seep in once in a while but on the
other hand shame has been banished from my life. When I do something wrong I feel guilty. I also know that I do things that hurt people
but I live my life today by spiritual principles. By living by these principles I know in my
heart that I do not hurt people on purpose.
When I do hurt someone I try to promptly make amends by acknowledging my
wrongdoing and then not doing that action again. Of course some things are easier to refrain
from than others, that's when I ask for help and guidance from my Higher Power.
Let’s look at yelling in a disagreement, I know that yelling accomplishes nothing. When I hear myself yelling I know I have lost myself in whatever disagreement I am in, I’ve escalated it to a fight, and we are no longer listening to each other. It is a clash of the egos and all egos want is to be RIGHT. As Dr. Phil says “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” I know that I want peace in my relationships and I want a place where differences do not mean conflict. It is no longer about fighting things out, I want to talk through my disagreements and if there is no resolution I am willing to agree to disagree peacefully.
When I don’t keep my side of the street clean I start to build up guilt. That guilt will pile up and start to form resentments – that is not a safe place for me. Holding onto guilt and resentments is a major back slide in my recovery. When I find myself in this pickle all I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off and start the clean up by using the steps. I can amend my behaviour but I need to keep that ego in check. I can see my ego pretty clearly these days with two signs; 1. I want to be right and I want someone else to be wrong, 2. I’m finger pointing – fault finding. Now that I am aware of these signs I am able to rein my ego in and quickly make amends. I’m never going to be perfect but I am so grateful that I know where the problem is and have a solution.
Now shame is another beast that, as I’ve said, tried to banish from my life. I’ve been taught that shame is what I put on myself or allow others to put onto me. It is an emotion that I feel when I’m engaging in people pleasing, perfectionism, and codependency (defects). Once I start shaming myself or allowing others to shame me, I am giving away my self-worth and self-esteem. Recovery is about living in the solution not about being a martyr or unworthy of forgiveness. God doesn't make junk, I'm worth doing the work to rid myself of shame and so is everyone.
The cure for shame is self-forgiveness and acceptance. When we can forgive ourselves for any wrong we have done then we can start to heal. I will talk in another post about forgiveness but for this one I will simply say that forgiveness is not about saying whatever happened was okay, good or appropriate. Forgiveness is simply an acceptance that something happened, doesn’t mean I agree with it, it has passed and I have done all I can and now I need to move forward and let it go. I believe that if I ask my Higher Power for forgiveness then I'm forgiven...so who am I not to forgive myself?
So, guilt and shame will continue to come up in my life. It is how I deal with these feelings that will determine my peace of mind. Living in the solution of the 12 steps will help replace guilt and shame with serenity, acceptance, and self-forgiveness.
Let’s look at yelling in a disagreement, I know that yelling accomplishes nothing. When I hear myself yelling I know I have lost myself in whatever disagreement I am in, I’ve escalated it to a fight, and we are no longer listening to each other. It is a clash of the egos and all egos want is to be RIGHT. As Dr. Phil says “do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” I know that I want peace in my relationships and I want a place where differences do not mean conflict. It is no longer about fighting things out, I want to talk through my disagreements and if there is no resolution I am willing to agree to disagree peacefully.
When I don’t keep my side of the street clean I start to build up guilt. That guilt will pile up and start to form resentments – that is not a safe place for me. Holding onto guilt and resentments is a major back slide in my recovery. When I find myself in this pickle all I can do is pick myself up, dust myself off and start the clean up by using the steps. I can amend my behaviour but I need to keep that ego in check. I can see my ego pretty clearly these days with two signs; 1. I want to be right and I want someone else to be wrong, 2. I’m finger pointing – fault finding. Now that I am aware of these signs I am able to rein my ego in and quickly make amends. I’m never going to be perfect but I am so grateful that I know where the problem is and have a solution.
Now shame is another beast that, as I’ve said, tried to banish from my life. I’ve been taught that shame is what I put on myself or allow others to put onto me. It is an emotion that I feel when I’m engaging in people pleasing, perfectionism, and codependency (defects). Once I start shaming myself or allowing others to shame me, I am giving away my self-worth and self-esteem. Recovery is about living in the solution not about being a martyr or unworthy of forgiveness. God doesn't make junk, I'm worth doing the work to rid myself of shame and so is everyone.
The cure for shame is self-forgiveness and acceptance. When we can forgive ourselves for any wrong we have done then we can start to heal. I will talk in another post about forgiveness but for this one I will simply say that forgiveness is not about saying whatever happened was okay, good or appropriate. Forgiveness is simply an acceptance that something happened, doesn’t mean I agree with it, it has passed and I have done all I can and now I need to move forward and let it go. I believe that if I ask my Higher Power for forgiveness then I'm forgiven...so who am I not to forgive myself?
So, guilt and shame will continue to come up in my life. It is how I deal with these feelings that will determine my peace of mind. Living in the solution of the 12 steps will help replace guilt and shame with serenity, acceptance, and self-forgiveness.
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