Feeling our Feelings

In recovery we are told to try not to stuff our feelings but try to acknowledge and release them.  Prior to recovery was unaware I had been either stuff my feelings or “tuning out” because I was overwhelmed by them.  We hear the solution “be with your feelings” and to “feel your feelings” and that is what this post explores.  I’ve learned a few strategies from those who came before me.  It is no longer just being with my feelings but about being able to understand, acknowledge, and release those feelings.

The Basics - A “To Do” List For 12 Step Recovery

There are times, in all of our lives, when "life on life's terms" just seems to be too much. In recovery we arrange our lives so we are safe.  We don’t take chances with our serenity and our wellbeing because we work too hard in recovery.   It is always easier to find ourselves slipping and catch it then it is to start over again.  These are the suggestions that will lead to serenity and safety in recovery.

Affirmations

This is a follow up to my post yesterday about Self-Talk.  I suggest we use these affirmations by posting them around your home, car, place of work, anywhere you will see them daily.  It is possible that they will change the way you see yourself, create healthier self-talk, and may lead to inner peace and serenity.  You can use this list to create some of your own affirmations by mixing and matching; just make sure they are short, believable, and focused.  They can be written on recipe cards and carried in a wallet, on post-its and put up around the home and office, you could even write with permanent marker on your mirror; it comes off with rubbing alcohol.  Below is a collection I have gathered from recovery, aftercare, postings, and who knows where.

Self-Talk

We always attract into our lives whatever we think about most, believe in most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly. – Shakti Gawain

The way we talk to ourselves will determine how we feel about ourselves, others and the world around us.  There are a lot of pluses to managing our self-talk: decreases anger, increases self-esteem, become more positive, creates inner peace and serenity, and many more.  What we tell ourselves seems to manifest in all areas of our lives.  When we change the self-talk then we begin to change our belief systems and our actions.  We can move in a positive direction in life and even learn to love ourselves.   My first sponsor started me on this journey of positivity with a quote by Wayne Dyer “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Sponsorship in 12 Step Fellowships

Sponsorship is the cornerstone of any 12 step fellowship.  There are usually pamphlets or books you can pick up at meetings on the subject. This post reviews some of my experience and ideas on sponsorship.  The relationship is important and promotes growth for both the sponsor and the sponsee.  This will be a relationship that will take time to grow, if we allow that.  Early recovery is a difficult time to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable with another person. It is imperative that we take the leap of faith and ask someone to sponsor us.  I was told not to compare my story with others but to keep an open mind and relate to others.  I can relate to my sponsor and because of that I feel she can understand me.  It is within this relationship that I can work on myself, be honest and open with my feelings.  What is shared is confidential so this person must be trustworthy.  The person must also be someone I’m willing to lovingly confront if we feel hurt, wronged, etc.  This is not a relationship to run away from when things get tough; that is when we dig in our heals and work it out.  By working out issues with a sponsor we grow the relationship. 

Acceptance

Acceptance is a spiritual principle that I have heard used in many groups I have been to for recovery, PTSD, and Pain.  I have struggled to find acceptance in all of these areas.  I also have experienced the deep serenity from finding acceptance in all of these areas of my life.  I have gratitude that I am able to share with others what I have learned on my journey.  Having that purpose in my life has allowed me to experience full acceptance of my past, leaving behind blame, shame, regret, resentments, and fear.  Acceptance is not condoning events or actions but it is letting them go in order to have peace; there is nothing I can do to change the past.  

Codependency

Codependency is a label that may be misinterpreted or discounted at face value.  In recovery, a codependent person is a friend or family of an addicted person, someone raised by a codependent and/or in a dysfunctional home where the underlying rules were “don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.” These core rules may be more obvious in some families but they can be found in most codependents’ family of origin. Codependent does not necessarily mean someone who is a wilting violet.  They come in all personality types; including both introverted and extroverted people from all socio-economic groups.

There are five core issues of the codependent: control, over-responsible (for family), distrust (of self and others), avoidance of feelings (belief feelings are bad or wrong), ignore own needs. 

Breaking the Cycle of Guilt and Shame

I guess to begin this topic I should define both guilt and shame as I’ve been taught in recovery.  Guilt is the awareness of doing the wrong thing. Shame is the feelings of disgrace, disappointment and regret.  We put shame on ourselves and or allow others to shame us.  When we are active in our addiction and codependency guilt and shame are two negative rulers of our world, standing side by side with fear and resentment.  I will save fear and resentment for another day. 

Rational Self Counselling

This is a post to follow up on the Rational and Irrational Thoughts post last week.  Our belief systems are the basis of self-talk. Our belief systems can change but have been building up throughout our life.  What we believe comes from our upbringing, spiritual beliefs, events, traumas, and from various other influences.  Therefore what we believe about ourselves and others may need to be challenged.  In my case an entire overhaul was needed.  What I believed determined my feelings and it played out like this:
AN EVENT --   BELIEF SYSTEM  --  FEELINGS  (--  ACTION/ NO ACTION)