Sponsorship is the cornerstone of any 12 step fellowship. There are usually pamphlets or books you can pick up at meetings on the subject. This post
reviews some of my experience and ideas on sponsorship. The relationship is important and promotes growth for both
the sponsor and the sponsee. This will
be a relationship that will take time to grow, if we allow that. Early recovery is a difficult time to allow
ourselves to feel vulnerable with another person. It is imperative that we take
the leap of faith and ask someone to sponsor us. I was told not to compare my story with
others but to keep an open mind and relate to others. I can relate to my sponsor and because of that
I feel she can understand me. It is
within this relationship that I can work on myself, be honest and open with my
feelings. What is shared is confidential
so this person must be trustworthy. The
person must also be someone I’m willing to lovingly confront if we feel hurt,
wronged, etc. This is not a relationship
to run away from when things get tough; that is when we dig in our heals and
work it out. By working out issues with
a sponsor we grow the relationship.
Deciding who you want to sponsor you and what you want from
the relationship can be overwhelming. It
is best to meet up with someone a few times or hear a bit of their recovery story
before asking them. Once you think you
may have someone you can simply ask them if they can and set up a time to meet. When you meet up that first time there needs
to be a discussion about the relationship on both sides: expectations, confidentiality,
time commitment, amount of contact, type of step work, etc are all things to be
discussed. The sponsor’s job is often difficult
because they will have to point out issues in our recovery we need to work on
or do step work around. They guide us in
the 12 steps and teach us to practice the principles in all our affairs; to
live life on life’s terms.
When choosing a sponsor experience is something to look for; someone who has completed the 12 steps and is working them in their life. I chose someone who I knew would tell me the truth no matter how hard that truth was; but they also are able to do it in a loving manner. I grasped early on that a sponsor was empathetic to my struggle and also had many of the same defects. When I see someone who is “put together” in a 12 step fellowship I find it interesting to hear the stories of their struggle and to see how far they have come with the help of the 12 steps. I have often heard it said to look for someone who has what you want.
As the relationship grows in recovery we are able to open up more and more to our sponsor. The level of trust I have in my sponsor astonishes me when I look back to how closed off I was at the beginning. As a sponsor shares their experience, strength and hope the sponsee grows in unimaginable ways; and vice versa. I think the biggest misconception I had in early recovery was that I was bothering my sponsor. Now that I am a sponsor I realize that sponsees are my life-line. Sponsors in 12 step fellowships can only keep what they have by giving it away.
When choosing a sponsor experience is something to look for; someone who has completed the 12 steps and is working them in their life. I chose someone who I knew would tell me the truth no matter how hard that truth was; but they also are able to do it in a loving manner. I grasped early on that a sponsor was empathetic to my struggle and also had many of the same defects. When I see someone who is “put together” in a 12 step fellowship I find it interesting to hear the stories of their struggle and to see how far they have come with the help of the 12 steps. I have often heard it said to look for someone who has what you want.
As the relationship grows in recovery we are able to open up more and more to our sponsor. The level of trust I have in my sponsor astonishes me when I look back to how closed off I was at the beginning. As a sponsor shares their experience, strength and hope the sponsee grows in unimaginable ways; and vice versa. I think the biggest misconception I had in early recovery was that I was bothering my sponsor. Now that I am a sponsor I realize that sponsees are my life-line. Sponsors in 12 step fellowships can only keep what they have by giving it away.
To end, this is a bookmark my friend shared with me about
the “12 Steps of Sponsorship”, author unknown:
1. I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by
your definition.
2. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
3. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8. I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both for you and for me.
11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and “hang in there” with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.
2. I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
3. I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
4. I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up” simply because I cannot.
5. I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6. I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7. I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8. I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9. I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10. When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both for you and for me.
11. You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and “hang in there” with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12. If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.
I wish you a happy recovery, just for today. Bonnie J
I need a sponsor.
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