Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency is a tricky thing to spot in ourselves.  I was talking with my mom this week and she said something that has really stuck with me:  “We [codependents] don’t have the outward signs like the addict does – it’s obvious to them; taking a pill, a drink, gambling, smoking, etc – but with me, how was I to know until I stumbled into my own recovery by trying to help my addict?”

I certainly will not be able to list all the signs and symptoms of codependency in this post but I think the categories are a good jumping off point.  The main categories:  Denial, Compliance, Low Self-Esteem, Control, and Avoidance. I’ve picked these because they were outlined this way to me at the Residential Family (Codependency) Program I attended.  These categories also apply to the addicted person; addicts just have the extra symptom of using. When I talk about relationships in this post I don’t mean just romantic ones but all types of relationships.  In my case I can have codependent relationships with my brother, my friend, my parents, co-worker, or someone I sponsor – that is why I love recovery, I am never recovered, I’m always within the process.

I think the main reason the different 12 step groups have been so successful is because they have a system of fellowship and accountability.  The pattern of denial can continue to come up at different points in our recovery.  That is why we have sponsor, spiritual advisors or accountability partners; they can see what we cannot. As I've grown in recovery I find it fairly easy to see the disease in another but not so much in myself.  Codependent denial patterns include minimizing or altering their feelings.  Often there's difficulty in identifying their feelings.  Their self perception is of being selfless and devoted to the wellbeing of others, they see themselves martyrs while others see them as complaining, critical, busybodies.  If there is an addict they are “caring for” then the denial grows with the relationship.  They think that if I just do x, y or z, or when this happens, etc the addict will stay sober.  Denial is evident in their attachment to the dream of what it could be or used to be like rather than the reality of their relationships. In reality, these relationships can be chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful which can be focused on rather than the real underlying problems.  In many cases this allows those involved to deny on their responsibility in the relationship.

Compliance can be a more obvious pattern in codependency.  For instance, to avoid the rejection and anger of another, a codependent will compromise their integrity, morals, and even their health. As a relationship progresses they can forget who they are and become enmeshed with the other person. They can become stuff their feelings down and become numb to emotional pain or feel everything so intensely they are pegged as a “drama queen or king”.  Intuition of other people’s feelings can be strong because they are sensitive to them and those feelings then become their own. Fierce loyalty is extremely common, even when they are in a dangerous situation or the other person has clearly proven to be disloyal.

After looking at the pattern of compliance it will not be a surprise that low self-esteem is the next pattern we see.  Low self-esteem includes: anxiety, negative thoughts about self, difficulty making decisions, harsh self judgement including negative thoughts about self, and wanting assurance from others.  Even though they want the approval, they are unable to receive it from other people because they feel they are undeserving.  They are also unable to ask for needs or wants but are acutely aware of the needs and wants of those around them.  Often, they will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.

Control is not a pretty pattern, which is probably the reason we stay in denial for so long.  Most codependents seek out relationships with people who seem “needy”.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not describing a pathetic or weak person; but a person who the codependent sees as a “fixer-upper” of sorts but who they expect to meet their needs as well.  They want someone they can care for, fix, and love even if the love is not returned – they just need to be needed. The codependent sets to work in the relationship attempting to offer unsolicited advice for others with a pronounced lack of boundaries. All this is done to convince the other party of their loyalty, care and compassion for them.

They want to control the feelings of others or tell other how they should feel, what they should think and do.  They are able to accomplish this manipulation using charm, charisma, shame, guilt or blame and will not compromise, it’s their way or they become resentful and more demanding.  When pushed to the limit they can assume and attitude of helplessness, rage, coldness, authority or fury to manipulate outcomes.  This manipulation is meant to control the behaviour of others.

The pattern of avoidance is the last one we will look at in this post.   Avoidance allows us to keep people at arm’s length by avoiding intimacy, healthy communication, and a Power greater than ourselves.  As we have seen above, codependents act in ways to invite others to reject them which allows them to avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy.  The busybody and critical shortcomings also distracts them from having intimacy in their relationships. They will usually play a game of push-pull in their relationships: pulling someone in, but when it starts to get close, pushes them away.  Avoidance of healthy communication is a staple in the codependents life.  It is played out in various ways but is usually meant to keep people out or avoid confrontation, vulnerability, or conflict. They can be indirect, evasive, withhold emotions or judge emotions as a sign of weakness. It takes time to work on relationships in recovery, don’t quit before the miracle happens.

To conclude, I just want to mention that codependents will not have all of the above signs and symptoms.  I can see myself in some and not at all in others.  The bottom line for me in knowing I needed help as a codependent was that I had these five patterns at work in my life in one way or another.  This post is about the problem rather than the solution but we cannot enter recovery until we see there is a reason to change. Bonnie J