My take on Step 2

“We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Before delving into Step Two I make sure I have hit all the main points of Step One, it is not about working the steps perfectly, that will never happen, it is about doing the work to the best of my ability. Step One "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." has given me an understanding of the disease of addiction and how it is not just about the fix be it with a drug, drink, person, controlling behaviour, etc. It is always something outside me that I use to control my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I have become aware of denial, powerlessness, obsession/compulsion, how far reaching my unmanageability has become, reservations, and finally my fearless surrender. After all this work in Step One I still need to look at the spiritual principles at work in my life as an antidote to my unhealthy behaviour: acceptance, willingness, open-mindedness, honesty, and humility. Now that I have looked at all of the above, I am ready for Step Two. 

 I begin to find hope in Step Two, the process of recovery fills the emptiness.  I no longer need to live in the desperation of active addiction, be it from substances, co-dependency, food, etc. I find hope in the other people I see being helped by the 12 steps.  I can find it on hundreds if not thousands of blogs by people in recovery.  My hope is a feeling that has been absent from my life and replaces the despair which was once so prevalent. I know now that this hope will eventually turn into the faith I have in Step Three.
The process of coming to believe can happen slowly or quickly, depending on the person.  I had some fears about it, barriers which made it difficult for me.  I wasn’t completely convinced I was insane, and I wondered what my life would look like after turning it over in Step Three.  But I wasn’t on Step Three, I needed to breathe, listen to my sponsor, and talk through my fears honestly to come to a place of willingness.  My sponsor reminded me to stay in the moment and directed me back to my Step One work.  This led me to see the insanity in my life,
 I now can recognize that there was and sometimes still is insanity in my life.  As I look back on the first step I realize the insanity of my active addiction and the insanity of its manifestations even in recovery. 
There is a lot of literature which teaches me that insanity is my loss of perspective and sense of proportion.  Many recovery groups explain it as “repeating the same mistakes, expecting different results.”  My life is out of balance when I am insane, insanity is the belief that something outside myself can make me feel better or change my feelings. As time passes in recovery I have a better perspective on just how deep this insanity runs in my life and thinking.  It invades so many areas of my life be it my relationship with my husband, children, parents, co-workers and others in my life.  Believe me when I say, I bring the insanity but when it comes to family, I was raised by them and when our insanity gets together it can get out of control quickly and that is where recovery comes in.  I am so grateful for my extended family being in recovery; it gives us an opportunity to talk about our experiences and triumphs over insanity.  It’s a safe place to fail and learn about our insanity, for that I am so very lucky!  I am always learning and will fall back into my diseased thinking in a second; it’s catching it that is important.   I dust myself off and get back to it, humility helps as well as a good laugh at myself.
I also realize that I have a level of obsession and compulsion with this disease.  If I obsess on something long enough without telling someone about it I will have no choice but to act compulsively at some point.  That is why I need talk about what is going on in my head and my life.  A sponsor and a network of people in recovery are extremely important.  With like minded people we can share our innermost selves and find healing and camaraderie.

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” C.S. Lewis

Step two says: We came to believe THAT a Power… it doesn’t say to believe IN a Power. The emphasis is on what this Power can DO for us, not what/who it actually is. The most important understanding we need is that the Power can help me by being: loving, caring and able to restore me to sanity. Nothing I did ever worked to restore me but now when I ask for help it shows up; as a person, information, a feeling, etc.  This power can restore me to sanity as long as I am willing to do the foot work.  This restoration to sanity will give me a better perspective on my life which allows me to make better decisions.  I realize that I have a choice in how to act, what I do, what I say, who I hang out with, how I am treated, what I will accept into my life.

The restoration I am looking for has changed over the years.  It has always been in the direction of positivity, love, putting my family first, being the best person I could be and having serenity. I am very realistic about not becoming perfect.  I will still act out, make mistakes, and have a balance of emotions.  I have never been under any illusions of becoming a guru through this process, I try to keep my expectation of recovery as realistic as possible.  I just would like to progress in a way that I’m not better than anyone else but I’m better than I used to be.  My goal of balance comes and goes, never quite attainable but I do my best and turn the rest over.
Overall in this second step I am reminded to focus on the principles of open-mindedness, willingness, faith, trust and humility as the antidote to the disease.  Having a closed mind means I am not open to other people’s suggestions.  It means I think I know it all already.  When my mind is closed I am running on self-will not God’s will.  If my mind is closed I am not open to any of the new awareness that is showing up daily in my life, I am missing the lessons that help me grow on a daily basis. 
I practice willingness every time I do an action in recovery to better my life and/or the lives of others.  The actions that demonstrate practicing the principle of faith include: prayer and watching for the messages from my Higher Power.  I am opening up my mind and heart to the awareness this Power is putting in my life.  I am following the direction of my sponsor and doing the right things for me despite how uncomfortable it feels.  As a result, I have seen growth in my faith and results in my recovery.  How have you practiced faith today?
The action I am taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and the Power greater than myself:   working through the steps with my sponsor and looking at the problem areas in my life, taking programs to help me deal better with post traumatic stress disorder, attending meetings, talking to my sponsor, being honest about where I am at and where I am struggling, setting healthy boundaries with others, starting this blog, etc. How about you, how do you demonstrate the principle of trust?
I believe humility is practiced when we acknowledge there is a Power greater than ourselves.