Codependency – Detachment

Before we can begin to detach with love we need to understand what unhealthy attachments we are trying to discontinue.  We hear in Alanon and Naranon meetings to “detach from the addict with love”.  It is not about getting rid of the addict; we are the only problem we have.  Once we have a program of recovery we are able to love our family member or friend and realize they are sick people not bad people.  The disease of addiction is explained in further detail in another post by that name. 

The Basics - A “To Do” List For 12 Step Recovery

There are times, in all of our lives, when "life on life's terms" just seems to be too much. In recovery we arrange our lives so we are safe.  We don’t take chances with our serenity and our wellbeing because we work too hard in recovery.   It is always easier to find ourselves slipping and catch it then it is to start over again.  These are the suggestions that will lead to serenity and safety in recovery.

Character Defects - Victim Role/Martyr

“People who consider themselves victims of their circumstances will always remain victims, unless they develop a greater vision for their lives.”  Stedman Graham

I'm hoping to tackle different character defects in this blog as well as the steps, spiritual principles, traditions, concepts, and anything else recovery I feel the need to write about.  So here is my first: the role of victim a.k.a. the martyr.

Playing the role of victim is usually a role we pick up in childhood.  It is a role that many may think is determined by circumstance.  I would challenge those people to find someone in 12 step recovery who has overcome that role and found serenity.

Anonymity in 12 Step Fellowships

We hear the word anonymity in meetings during the readings and in discussion.  The 12th tradition: Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. In some other fellowships they have added readings that refer to anonymity as the anonymous person in fellowship; we are not our age, race, creed, colour, profession, etc. we are a first name and we belong as a member when we say we do.  I think it’s interesting when I looked up the definitions it stated: freedom from identification, lack of distinctiveness, state of being unnoticed (blending into a crowd), an unnamed person.  

Affirmations

This is a follow up to my post yesterday about Self-Talk.  I suggest we use these affirmations by posting them around your home, car, place of work, anywhere you will see them daily.  It is possible that they will change the way you see yourself, create healthier self-talk, and may lead to inner peace and serenity.  You can use this list to create some of your own affirmations by mixing and matching; just make sure they are short, believable, and focused.  They can be written on recipe cards and carried in a wallet, on post-its and put up around the home and office, you could even write with permanent marker on your mirror; it comes off with rubbing alcohol.  Below is a collection I have gathered from recovery, aftercare, postings, and who knows where.

Self-Talk

We always attract into our lives whatever we think about most, believe in most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly. – Shakti Gawain

The way we talk to ourselves will determine how we feel about ourselves, others and the world around us.  There are a lot of pluses to managing our self-talk: decreases anger, increases self-esteem, become more positive, creates inner peace and serenity, and many more.  What we tell ourselves seems to manifest in all areas of our lives.  When we change the self-talk then we begin to change our belief systems and our actions.  We can move in a positive direction in life and even learn to love ourselves.   My first sponsor started me on this journey of positivity with a quote by Wayne Dyer “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Self-Will

Self-will is something we surrender over and over again in recovery.  I have a habit of taking it back from time to time, sometimes daily, but to stay in recovery is to surrender my will to my Higher Power or God of my understanding.  Now this surrender doesn’t mean I become a doormat.  I can still make plans, pursue goals, and try to make changes to my world.  The surrender is of the destructive self-will; where I abuse my right to make choices and decisions, where my actions are self-motivated, and there is no conscious contact with my Higher Power. 

The Twelve Steps of How Not to Recover

The 12 steps below seem to have been around a while.   I have received this list by email and hardcopy throughout my recovery. Unfortunately, I have not found the author to give credit.  When I read through these 12 steps I find myself not just chuckling but also tensing almost cringing at the outline of my life before recovery. This tongue-in-cheek list is a stark reminder of where we can end up, or return to, without recovery.  

These are the steps we took, which are suggested as a Program of Misery:

Letting Go

Here is yet another post by an unknown author; not for lack of trying but this was something given to me by a friend in a 12 step fellowship…I could not resist posting it.  I should tattoo it on my arm!  I could write ten posts about the subject of letting go and it would not begin to reach the depth the author reached when s/he wrote the untitled article below.  

Sponsorship in 12 Step Fellowships

Sponsorship is the cornerstone of any 12 step fellowship.  There are usually pamphlets or books you can pick up at meetings on the subject. This post reviews some of my experience and ideas on sponsorship.  The relationship is important and promotes growth for both the sponsor and the sponsee.  This will be a relationship that will take time to grow, if we allow that.  Early recovery is a difficult time to allow ourselves to feel vulnerable with another person. It is imperative that we take the leap of faith and ask someone to sponsor us.  I was told not to compare my story with others but to keep an open mind and relate to others.  I can relate to my sponsor and because of that I feel she can understand me.  It is within this relationship that I can work on myself, be honest and open with my feelings.  What is shared is confidential so this person must be trustworthy.  The person must also be someone I’m willing to lovingly confront if we feel hurt, wronged, etc.  This is not a relationship to run away from when things get tough; that is when we dig in our heals and work it out.  By working out issues with a sponsor we grow the relationship. 

Additional Blog - mindfulpain.blogspot.com

I have decided to start an additional blog called Mindful Pain. I really want to keep this blog with a clear message of recovery.  I have been so blessed in recovery by living the steps in my daily life.  I have freedom from active addiction and am able to maintain a life in recovery from codependency.  I love to write about all things codependency and addiction so I am keeping this blog as a separate entity.  I also wanted to share on my journey with chronic pain and fibromyalgia but that will muddle the message I want to deliver here...so my additional blog is mindfulpain.blogspot.com I named it that because I use mindfulness in all parts of my life.  It has become particularly helpful where pain is concerned...and so a new blog is born.  Bonnie J

Signs and Symptoms of Codependency

Codependency is a tricky thing to spot in ourselves.  I was talking with my mom this week and she said something that has really stuck with me:  “We [codependents] don’t have the outward signs like the addict does – it’s obvious to them; taking a pill, a drink, gambling, smoking, etc – but with me, how was I to know until I stumbled into my own recovery by trying to help my addict?”

I certainly will not be able to list all the signs and symptoms of codependency in this post but I think the categories are a good jumping off point.  The main categories:  Denial, Compliance, Low Self-Esteem, Control, and Avoidance. I’ve picked these because they were outlined this way to me at the Residential Family (Codependency) Program I attended.  These categories also apply to the addicted person; addicts just have the extra symptom of using. When I talk about relationships in this post I don’t mean just romantic ones but all types of relationships.  In my case I can have codependent relationships with my brother, my friend, my parents, co-worker, or someone I sponsor – that is why I love recovery, I am never recovered, I’m always within the process.

Codependency

Codependency is a label that may be misinterpreted or discounted at face value.  In recovery, a codependent person is a friend or family of an addicted person, someone raised by a codependent and/or in a dysfunctional home where the underlying rules were “don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel.” These core rules may be more obvious in some families but they can be found in most codependents’ family of origin. Codependent does not necessarily mean someone who is a wilting violet.  They come in all personality types; including both introverted and extroverted people from all socio-economic groups.

There are five core issues of the codependent: control, over-responsible (for family), distrust (of self and others), avoidance of feelings (belief feelings are bad or wrong), ignore own needs. 

Facing our Fear in Recovery

Prior to (even during) recovery fear is an ever present, dominating feeling which can become so powerful it rules our entire life.  Often we go through life unaware our thinking and decision making is clouded or even controlled by fear. One definition of fear is: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. The fear experienced in the addicted family is self-centred fear; a fear of self preservation and self-seeking. Some of the fear I have uncovered in recovery have been: fear of failure, rejection, being wrong or making a mistake, responsibility, using, the future, arguments, conflict, financial problems, nothing will change/everything will change, being alone, letting my family down, getting caught, relapse both in addiction and codependency…and infinitely more, I was full of fear, but I found a solution in the 12 steps.

Rational and Irrational Thoughts

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.  -The Buddha

In this post I'm going to explore rational and irrational thoughts and beliefs
- how to spot the thought
- how mindfulness can help
- the three core irrational beliefs which the irrational thoughts stem from
- how to spot the language of irrational thought
- the solutions to having rational thoughts

Through thought distortions and the resulting conflict; there is a self-imposed suffering.  Buddha said it best above, we are our thoughts and our thoughts influence how we feel.

At first I thought, I’m a rational person, this doesn’t apply to me.  Then I started to look at the feelings I was having and worked backwards.  Why was I feeling like this? What were my thoughts about the “who, what, where or how?”  When I started going deeper I could see a lot of my unhappiness and conflict was based on irrational thinking…it still can be.

What I Hope to Share & My Goals

My journey has allowed me to learn about the 12 steps of recovery and now I'm trying to Live the Steps. This is a life long journey without a destination, only growth spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Sharing my journey of healing
I will share what I have learned about:
1. Recovery - living the 12 steps, just for today
2. Mindfulness and meditation
3. Living with Chronic Pain - suffering is optional
4. PTSD and Anxiety - I have reclaimed my life
I hope that this will become a conversation, that my posts will just be a starting point.

My main goals
1. To live in the solution
2. Stay positive
3. To have an attitude of gratitude
4. Keep my life centered around my Higher Power
5. To love and learn from the people put in my journey

I learn the most in my trials and mistakes...that's my life. Please feel free to comment on anything in this blog. It is through dialogue that I learn and remain teachable.