Feeling our Feelings

In recovery we are told to try not to stuff our feelings but try to acknowledge and release them.  Prior to recovery was unaware I had been either stuff my feelings or “tuning out” because I was overwhelmed by them.  We hear the solution “be with your feelings” and to “feel your feelings” and that is what this post explores.  I’ve learned a few strategies from those who came before me.  It is no longer just being with my feelings but about being able to understand, acknowledge, and release those feelings.

I acknowledge that it is uncomfortable to be with any feelings that are not happy, exciting, etc.  That is the reason why, even in recovery, I can take uncomfortable feelings and stuff them.  This negative coping strategy can be demonstrated in various ways.  Often I will get busy doing anything rather than thinking about how I feel I shop, putter, and do "busy work".  In recovery there are repercussions for ignoring and stuffing our feelings:  we become restless, irritable, and discontented (RID).  When RID shows his ugly little face then I know there is something I’m not acknowledging; some uncomfortable feeling I’ve pushed away.  If I continue to suppress the feelings it can lead to acting out in unhealthy behaviours and even relapse. 

The other side of feeling our feelings can be when the feelings completely overwhelm us.  This can lead to anxiety, panic attacks, and even relapse.  Again the sign of being overwhelmed by feelings is RID and the strategies below may help with naming the feelings, understanding that they are only feelings and not facts.  There is another article in this blog to deal with panic and anxiety, available here: http://livingthesteps.blogspot.ca/2012/09/the-basics-dealing-with-anxiety-and.html

Now to the healthy strategies for feeling feelings:

1. Educate yourself about feelings.  It could be as simple as going to a bookstore, library, or on the web and read up on feelings.  There are those pages they often have in various recovery programs with all the facial expressions and the feeling named beneath the picture.  I kept that on my fridge for at least a year as a reference tool.  Having a "feelings" vocabulary and a bit of knowledge about emotions will help enormously with acknowledging and releasing our emotions.
Here are a few sites which help start your education:
http://www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings
http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/emotions-and-feelings/what-to-do-with-your-feelings https://www.tarzanatc.org/blogengine/post/Processing-Feelings-in-Recovery.aspx

2. Start a journal.  It doesn’t have to be all writing; it can be pictures and artwork.  Spending time each day with a journal can help us recognize our feelings, put it into words, and then release them.  Pick up a sketch pad, notebook, or binder along with markers, pencil crayons, pens and highlighters.  This is by you and for you so there is no right and wrong.  There are also many books and websites that have ideas about types of journals and prompts to get you started.  Here are a few sites to spark ideas and help you get started:
http://www.createwritenow.com/personal-development-journaling-blog/
http://artjournaling.blogspot.ca/
http://kaizenjournaling.com/blog/

3. Grounding techniques are very helpful in dealing with overwhelming feelings.  Grounding gives us a chance to stop, breathe, and centre ourselves before the emotions take over our mind and body. We need to feel supported and safe when we are exploring our feelings as well as relaxed.   Use a search engine or YouTube with search words “anxiety, grounding techniques” and you will find plenty of ideas.  There are CDs and DVDs with different relaxation ideas.  Here are three techniques that I find quick and helpful:
          (A) One of my favorite grounding techniques is to take a fuzzy blanket and heat it up in the dryer for a few minutes.  Then I wrap myself up tight and sit or lay in a comfortable position.  Then I start basic diaphragmatic breathing (aka belly breathing) within a few minutes I feel warm, cared for, and maybe a little spoiled. 
          (B) Sit in a chair and really feel it.  Say to yourself I’m sitting in this chair right now and it feels…and describe the chair – is it cold, wooden, are your feet on the ground, how does that feel, then name 5 things that you can see in the room and describe yourself there looking at those things and remind yourself that you are there right now and this is what you see and what you feel.
          (C) Box Breathing – I have been told and have experienced that it is absolutely impossible for a panic attack to progress while box breath.  There are examples of this online if you need more explanation but basically it is thinking of your breath as a square: you inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts and then wait for 4 counts and repeat.  This is the first thing they teach in anxiety workshops and it works like a charm…every time.  The secret is to practice it regularly when you are not having a panic attack or when your anxiety is low.  Then in times of stress and anxiety you can more easily go to that peaceful space.

4. Reverse negative thinking as soon we become aware.  Negative thinking is contagious from one event to the next in our lives!  Once my thinking starts down that path I begin to paint everything with the same brush.  It can start out with burning some toast – I hate this toaster it’s so cheap, then my cat trips me and I’m miserable why I didn’t get a dog?  I get to work and it’s noisy or there is another negative person to deal with and the brush keeps painting.  Soon I hate my job, my spouse, my life; I don’t have any friends and why stay in recovery anyway!  Okay so a little bit dramatic but some days I just ask what all this hard work is for?  Why am I trying so hard?  Why bother?  Stinking Thinking has entered the building!! Now, coming back from this point takes a lot of hard work: lots of prayer, call a friend or sponsor, go to a meeting or two, read literature, help a newcomer, and make those amends.  At this point I always wish I had caught it sooner; saw the paintbrush on its first few strokes.  That takes time and commitment as well as all the other “do’s” we are taught.  We become an observer of our thoughts, become mindful, we don’t judge but just observe our self-talk.  Does it kick in with a particular feeling? This mindfulness will guide us to the point we are disconnecting from or becoming overwhelmed by our feelings.
There are numerous video and site about mindfulness; some are listed in the left side bar under YouTube and My Favorite Blogs.

5. Ask for help; be gentle with, and pace yourself.  Understanding that recovery is a process, not an event will help us to pace ourselves.  Listening to others who are farther along in their journey will often help us to understand that we will never “arrive” because we are continually growing and learning. Finding support from other like-minded and non-judging people will help on the journey to understanding our feelings.
If there are intense feelings from the past it is important to seek out professional help.  There is only so much 12 step recovery can offer: one person helping another.  We are not professionals and when dealing with past abuse or disorders which require medical intervention we need to go to an expert.  There is an article in this blog titled Recovery is a Process not an Event – this may help with pacing the work and treating yourself with kindness and patience. 

Being with our feelings will open up a whole new world to us.  The range of emotions can take us from comfortable to angry to sensual to sad and back again.  They are a gift from our Higher Power and tuning into them can bring about a deeper understanding of one’s self.  In recovery we are moving toward a life free from the behaviours, chaos, and/or substances, which kept us running from our feelings.  Remember that we can start our day over again at any point.  We can put a period and move on from the past and toward a positive, full life with its emotional ups and downs.  Enjoy the ride.  Bonnie J